CATH IS PREGNANT!
Woohoo, I'm gonna be a Daddy - although it's early days and you generally shouldn't really announce these things until 12 weeks, we're at 11 weeks today and VERY excited.
Needless to say, we are very chuffed and while it is reassuring to know that the
plumbing works, this is all quite a shock to the system. Still, Cath and I are big believers in things happening for a reason and are thrilled at the thought of going home to start a family and settle in Cape Town -(cos we would rather raise our kids in SA).
Cath has been so funny in the last couple of weeks. Not only does she have 3 million burps every hour, she is sometimes feeling so sorry for herself. Now don't get me wrong - I give her plenty of sympathy and love - but the one day I came home and she had been sick - she was lying in bed and she tilted her head to the side, pouted her lips and said "I'm sick" which just made me pack-up laughing - not the best reaction with a normal girl but Cath saw the funny side and laughed too.
As re the morning sickness, she's kinda off food at the moment which makes it tough to cook for her. Her favourite meal is soldiers of toast and pronutro (which I've run out of) I need to get to the SA shop in Dublin! Still toast and pronutro isn't really my idea of a great meal so it isn't easy to eat together as the smell of some things is enough to send her to the window for fresh air - and letting in the minus two degree wind!
Funnily enough, the thing that has Cath running away the fastest is....
WASHING-UP LIQUID.
Funny that (conspiracy theorists unite!) - what with how she hates doing the dishes and all!
I swear to God this whole cravings / put off by things is a woman's way of getting revenge at their men!
Next thing you know she's gonna have a bad reaction to the toilet cleaner, the shoe polisher, the broom and break out in spots if she gets anywhere near the oven. Huh!
Oh well, nothing can take the smile off my face at the moment!
What else can I tell you - there have been one or two changes in cath that I've noticed. For one, she's a lot more affectionate with me. Why, the other night I slid into bed after watching a late-night movie and touched my freezing leg against hers. And she didn't growl at me! So I touched my freezing hand on her bum - and (despite the fact that she broke out in goosebumps) she didn't growl at me! So I touched my freezing foot against her foot - and she kicked my foot away so fast you would have sworn she was a horse! Oh well, I had that one coming.
Photos of belly to follow but at the moment mine is bigger than Cath's so I'm the one who looks the most pregnant.
Start readying yourselves world for baby Chlorine or baby Adolf!
xxxxxxx
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.
Test 1 Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the
counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their
methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance
levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest
ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training,
table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last
time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3 Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4 Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 Going For a Walk
Wait.
Go out the front door.
Come back in again.
Go out.
Come back in again.
Go out again.
Walk down the front path.
Walk back up it.
Walk down it again.
Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps.
Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8 Grocery Shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9 Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into
the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10 TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11 Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean
walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the
floor & leave it there.
Test 12 Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important
Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve
while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is
a child in the room.
Test 14 Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it.
4. Stir.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
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